Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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