He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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