I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
