my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
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