The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
