You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
