you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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