I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
