I threw up into my coffee this morning.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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