I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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