I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
