Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
