I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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