Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Randomize
