the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
