If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
