Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
