I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize