I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
