I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
