The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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