I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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