Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
