Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
