she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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