he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
dude. I can hear the air.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
