Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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