he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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