Banned from zoo.
Again?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
