My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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