she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
