he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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