Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
