What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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