theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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