By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
just tell him i said nine months
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
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