I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
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