Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Randomize
