Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
