I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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