I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
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