Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
