News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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