Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Four minutes until I can fart!
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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