You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize