so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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