these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize