i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
God I need to hump something, right now.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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