I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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