I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
