Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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