508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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