happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
