i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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