Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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