I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
