I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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