I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize