I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
