she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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