I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i barfeds in our rink
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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