plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
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