I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
How does one acquire holy water?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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